There is a shield I carry around with me often, It is my defence, It is my safety, It stops bad things from breaching my emotional walls. This sounds good, right? I mean, no one wants to be hurt. But when my friend posed the question, “How do I develop emotional maturity?” I knew instantly the answer was to lay down the shield, to hold my arms wide open and push past the discomfort of having my soft spots on display. This was Jesus’ position on the cross, arms wide open. Even in the face of the most extreme suffering, He did not use a shield. As the Sanhedrin disregarded many of their own laws in order to punish him, He laid down his rights, and His life also. The accused was given no counsel or representation. “He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its’ shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.” (Isaiah 53: 7).
Did God not position His son in the most vulnerable place? Was that not the most beautiful sacrifice? Our beauty is at its’ most radiant when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, willing to be hurt, willing to be loved and to be loved in return from a place of freedom, not fear. I know that sometimes, those tough conversations can feel like flames that lick at your heels and make you want to run fast in the opposite direction. Even when someone looks into your eyes and sees the liquid heartbreak that gathers there, it can feel like swirling in a stormy sea, and being overcome by the waves and just wanting to drown in shame.
The truth is those walls we build to protect our hearts, become a prison cell so secure that nothing can get through, no love, no kindness, no gentleness can penetrate. “Vulnerability” comes from the Latin “vulner” meaning wound, hurt, injury, damage. I think of the spear that pierced the side of my saviour, and how that led to His ultimate victory, how I now get to share in that, how I get to live it. Victory is the result of vulnerability to risk, uncertainty and exposure.
Brene Brown says this: “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.” What does vulnerability look like in practice? For me, it’s like unfolding my arms when I speak to someone, seeing someone’s gaze and beholding it and letting my tears flow without covering my face. Laughing long and loud because my friend is hilarious and I am completely in the moment. Loosening my muscles and offering a sincere hug. My previous inability to do those things were the bricks I had set in place and now these are the bricks I am removing from my cell wall, one by one.
Today, don’t reach for self-confidence. Accept Christ confidence. Don’t claw for some self-esteem; know you are esteemed by God in heaven. You are held in the highest regard by the awesome One who gave you His most vulnerable self.
