I live in the land of giants. My children and my husband tower over me. Being ‘small’ can be a disadvantage, physically and spiritually. Can’t it? But why should people judge you for being small?
For many years I did not agree with this statement. Call it my Glaswegian upbringing, but I went out of my way to never, ever be weak, though may be seen as being weak. To me, being weak also meant I wasn’t in control. I wasn’t strong enough to be in control, and I needed, desperately needed to be. Also, being strong was so much more acceptable as it makes you look like a better Christian. Like you’ve got it all sorted. Oh! the lies we tell ourselves to make the unacceptable acceptable!
Maybe you gleaned from the opening paragraph, but my life isn’t ‘sorted’ and I’m not always in control. However, I have often striven to be seen to do the right thing, say the right thing, to protect myself, gain approval and be thought well of. What I didn’t realise is that those that love you, have your best interests at heart, they see right through you.
In my mind, being weak makes you small. People overlook you, or judge you when you are small, don’t they? On a good day, I’m 5ft 4inch (don’t measure me. That’s my height and I’m sticking to it!). I live in the land of giants. My children and my husband tower over me. Being ‘small’ can be a disadvantage, physically and spiritually. Can’t it? But why should people judge you for being small?
Why Pack Everything into a Box?
Why should you be made to feel small? It’s much easier to put on a mask and look OK. Isn’t that better? It’s even better when you can pack everything not ok into boxes so you do not have to think about it? And boxes tidy everything up. They hide, so no one can see the messy stew of long-held emotions and unhealed pain. Much better to keep it buried? Or that’s what I thought. The reality of it is that the buried stuff leaks into the every day, stealing your joy, your peace and sometimes your ability to function. Out of the hurts, you can end up hurting people, especially those you love. You end up damaging others because you are damaged.
How Gentle Are You with Yourself?
Then I craved the one thing I actively avoided – pity and comfort. Somehow pity fed the self-loathing and validated my feelings of loneliness. It justified the fact that it was good to feel the way I was feeling. As for comfort, even today the unexpected offer of comfort can melt me and tears come into my eyes. Sometimes they even fall, depending on how tired or low I am feeling at the time, and how much I can resist them. Aren’t tears showing weakness? Even when healing comes, there can still be echoes, coping strategies that need to be dismantled. All of which takes time, patience and understanding with faith in Christ Jesus by His grace. How often are we gentle enough with ourselves to see this for what it is?
